Something to keep track of what is going on in life, for all to see or just for me.
Ended up in the hospital Wednesday, I had a plan and if I didn’t go I was going to go through with it.
Unrelated, I can’t reconcile my hang ups with my best friend. I’m so close to stepping away, for my own sanity. I love her like she was my own flesh and blood. Yet there’s something I can’t move past and I do but know what it is.
I wake up every day, in severe pain and sadness. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. It’s starting to impact my work, my social life, and just everything. It seeps in and it’s taking over. I don’t sleep well anymore, I can’t get my brain to stop. It hurts me, I am hurt.
She suggested jealousy was the issue, the reality is that is it wasn’t. I just agreed with her, so I could lift the burden off her. I don’t plan on showing her the reality, it’s for the best she never know that I’m falling apart. That I am fighting inside for control and considering letting go.
In a way I’m hoping to push her away, so she can’t be hurt anymore. So she won’t be hurt by the inevitable outcome, whenever that happens.
She can see this blog, she has the link, maybe one day she’ll look. Know she was never the issue, that she meant the world to me, and I’d rather lose her than ever hurt her. I want to see you happy, even if I break.
Both of them should leave, before I do.
I am the problem.
Saturday, the 17th I brought my best friend (and chosen sister) McDonald’s and brought it to her for lunch. I intended it to be a happy moment for her, but of course some idiot had to ruin it by ordering 18 different things from the menu and proceed to take up almost her entire lunch hour. I wanted that to be a happy moment, a free lunch from her best friend. A happy memory to remember me by.
I got home, I spent 30 minutes in the driver’s seat crying. Balling my eyes out. I knew I had made up my mind, I knew what I was going to do. Yet I was so hurt that my last gesture was ruined by someone with the munchies. Yet I still had to do it, even more so than before. I was a failure, even at the end.
After I cried, I left, I said nothing. I turned off my phone and drove in silence for nearly an hour. I drove up the mountain side, I drove into a secluded wooded area I knew was not traveled often in the winter. I had what I needed to go back to where I came from, to be done with this.
I got out of my car, I stood under the tree I thought looked best, and then turned around and just stared. There was a river and I was facing it. Across from the river I could see eyes peering at me from the other side. I didn’t know what it was, but it scared me, and in that moment of fear I realized I couldn’t do it. I got back in my car and lost control, I broke down. Even this was a failure.
I called 988, within seconds a lovely young woman picked up the line. She was soothing, soft, and listened intently. She made it clear I was free to talk to her, she would give me all the time I needed. She did. For nearly an hour I talked to her. She sparingly, but thoughtfully offered me advice, she made small talk when needed, and she kept me calm and grounded. She was amazing. Slowly but surely I fell back to Earth, I wasn’t calm, but I wasn’t unsafe. I knew I was going to make it.
I told my partner and I told my best friend (who in the future I will refer to as my sister), they were assuring. They didn’t hate me for what I had done, but were happy I stepped back from that ledge and choose to live another day.
They reminded me why I am still here, they reminded me that I have people who care for me deeply, and that I have to make it through life for them.