Something to keep track of what is going on in life, for all to see or just for me.
Ended up in the hospital Wednesday, I had a plan and if I didn’t go I was going to go through with it.
Unrelated, I can’t reconcile my hang ups with my best friend. I’m so close to stepping away, for my own sanity. I love her like she was my own flesh and blood. Yet there’s something I can’t move past and I do but know what it is.
I have been getting treatment for the last few weeks following a severe mental breakdown. That is where I have been.
Can I go about acting like I am actually happy, before I break and things just go out of control. How much longer do I have left in life before it becomes too much? I do not know if I will make it past this year.
I wake up every day, in severe pain and sadness. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. It’s starting to impact my work, my social life, and just everything. It seeps in and it’s taking over. I don’t sleep well anymore, I can’t get my brain to stop. It hurts me, I am hurt.
She suggested jealousy was the issue, the reality is that is it wasn’t. I just agreed with her, so I could lift the burden off her. I don’t plan on showing her the reality, it’s for the best she never know that I’m falling apart. That I am fighting inside for control and considering letting go.
In a way I’m hoping to push her away, so she can’t be hurt anymore. So she won’t be hurt by the inevitable outcome, whenever that happens.
She can see this blog, she has the link, maybe one day she’ll look. Know she was never the issue, that she meant the world to me, and I’d rather lose her than ever hurt her. I want to see you happy, even if I break.
Both of them should leave, before I do.
I am the problem.
I tell them I’m getting better, the reality is that I’m not. I’m never happy, I’m never present. I don’t need to burden them with the reality anymore.
I wonder sometimes, if time loops and we get another shot at life. I’d love for it to, to go back and redo everything. I know this isn’t true and it’s one long road to the inevitable heat death of the universe, but it would be nice if it did loop back.
I border most days on whether I should find out, to see what happens. To see who’s right. Any option seems better.